The Virtue of Acceptance

I have two collections of aphorisms by Ashley Brilliant, an English Jewish guy now living in the US--I think--whose wit I really enjoy. The title of one is "I Feel Much Better, Now That I've Given Up Hope". I glanced at the title last week and realized that it summarizes a recent shift in my own outlook. For several years, I've felt increasingly unhappy about a relationship with someone I like a lot, had to work with closely in a mentoring relationship for several years, and still need to interact with. Over time, I noticed that he didn't do a lot of stuff his job called for, because he didn't enjoy it. He did a lot of blaming of other people, and a lot of complaining about how he wasn't getting the support he wanted, but he didn't take suggestions well, and he spent no time upgrading his skills to deal better with his weak areas. I wanted to support him as much as I could, so I put time, energy, and thought into working with him, but felt increasingly that it wasn't helping. I couldn't get him to shift, and I felt used and resentful about all I was giving. He felt criticized and responded hurtfully. I withdrew--very atypical for me. However, a situation arose in which it was essential that we resolve our differences and get along. A friend suggested mediation, and we both agreed. I'm happy to say that it worked well, and we are meeting again now. During the mediation, an important shift happened for me. I gave up hope that he would improve. He's got lots and lots of good qualities, but I found myself finally realizing that some of the ones he's missing will probably stay missing. I understood that he'll probably always be demanding, closed, unable to say thank you easily, etc. I had really, really hoped that he would change, not only for my sake, but because he'd be a lot better at his job. But now I see that it may never happen. That means that we'll never have the kind of relationship I hoped for when I started helping him--close and warm--because he just isn't that kind of person. I feel sad about that--that's the giving up hope part. But on the good side, since I'm no longer hoping, I can finally accept him as he is, and tailor my response to reality, rather than to my hopes. This is bound to be more productive and less stressful for both of us. That's why acceptance is a virtue. And that's why, in some circumstances, giving up hope can be good for us.